Ironically, it has been at this time of darkness that I have realised I am special in, and of, myself, and that this is not dependent on how other people view me. It is very easy, following any kind of rejection or betrayal, to feel that one’s qualities are inferior, negligible, that one simply is not worth anything.
Sometimes, the hardest – but, ultimately, most freeing and joyous – thing to do is to look beyond the opinions of those who, actually, do not matter long-term anyway, and dig deep for the truth of who and what we are.
I am flawed. I have never denied this – and, in fact, many who know me say I am too hard on myself. But I am also special and beautiful and funny and loving and compassionate and bright and empathic and inspiring and loyal and talented and vulgar and uninhibited and sexy – and anyone who possesses eyes that truly see, and a spirit that flies, would be lucky, blessed and brightened to have me as a friend or beloved one.
I am, to quote the Maya Angelou poem, A Phenomenal Woman! And my vow, as this year comes to an end, is this: Never again shall I allow anyone, man or woman, to crush my spirit, to undermine me, to play mind games with me or to treat me as an inferior, lower class being.
I am not a dull hen to be set against the glittering plumage of a more colourful bird! I have shining and colour and radiance of my own, thank you very much!
I am not a plaything for those seeking revenge, nor a stop-gap for the terminally bored. The fuel that runs me cannot be drained by those who are not willing to fill their own ‘tanks’. But, above all, I am not, and never have been, second best, last to be chosen for the team, an option to be ignored when not needed.
All my life I have asked: Am I worthy of you?
When, actually, it should be the other way around: Do you have the qualities I need? Will you please me?
I do not claim to be perfect – but, damn it all, I am better than anyone else at being Alienora!
Phenomenal, that’s me!