Dear Emails –
Not to mention blog hits, posts viewed on Facebook and other examples of the Cyberworld communication which seems to be failing ever more rapidly –
Have you been stolen by some light-fingered twat whose computer skills are far in excess of any kind of conscience? Some Parrot-faced, spawny-eyed wazzock who finds some kind of pathetic fascination in the personal ‘letters’ of a woman well past her best? Some vengeful loser who has progressed from pinching underwear off the washing line to this?
Have you been misplaced (that is to say, temporarily lost, ha-bloody-ha!) inside the great lumbering, and over-burdened, beast that is our Internet? Chewed up by teeth no longer able to cope with the sheer weight of Cyber-food being rammed down its gullet? Burped (and worse) out by anti-peristalsis and left, like a post-hen-night multi-coloured yawn, to decorate the seedy back streets of a town not on the map?
Or have you, dear beloved on-line words of mine (not just those written by – but also, I suspect, some written to – me…) vanished mysteriously off the face of this earth in one of those weird and wacky happenings which get prime time slots on the television and are, all too often, presented by ‘hosts’ with creepily over-crowded mouths, exophthalmic eyeballs and the kind of asinine chat which makes any right-thinking viewer want to use two bricks below the belt?
You see, dearly missed emails (and your siblings), that misleading word ‘misplaced’ suggests a temporary state of affairs, does it not? It suggests human forgetfulness, a kind of wry ‘God, forget me own head next!’ mentality as we search for car-keys shut in the fridge by mistake and try to locate the rest of the Belgian Chocolate Hagen-Daz which, we could have sworn, was lurking safe and sound in the freezer just ten minutes ago…
Sounds so harmless, emails, doesn’t it? Almost like a joke!
But – the joke is wearing as thin as Chaucer’s Pardoner. Any thinner and it would be slipping down drains. Any thinner and it would become cause for serious concern and squads of search and rescue teams would have to be put on stand-by.
So, where the hell are the contents of this particular writer’s drawers (if you’ll excuse the play on words!)? Why are emails I am expecting not turning up? Ones to family members getting lost en route? Google claiming its response time is about five minutes when the reality seems to be more like five hours, or even five days?
Misplaced? Misplaced! If only…
All I can hope is that, like Bo Peep’s little lost lambs, you, my emails, will eventually find your way home, wagging your tails behind you!
With much love from
Your Cyber-Ewe (or possibly Shepherdess), Alienora