Today, I feel the black tar of despair clogging up my pores. I wonder, as I have done many times before, if I will actually survive the incredibly painful process of divorce.

The physical pain is intractable, unrelenting. Today, it is so bad that I actually feel sick – and I cannot get comfortable in any position. My will to do anything about it has become a dulled, blunted blade, a useless weapon against a sharp, devious and shape-shifting enemy.

Emotional anguish does, of course, make things worse – and probably sets the whole frozen-muscled, spasming awfulness in the first place.

The problem is complex, but part of my inertia stems from a very deep feeling of being worthless and without intrinsic value – an inevitable part of a difficult relationship and stressful divorce, I am led to believe. I suppose, during the darkest hours, I fear that I do not, in some odd way, deserve to survive, that my death would make things much easier for those who survived me.

It is hard to fight against the objective logic of this thought. It is harder to keep bright and cheerful when my whole body seems to be wrenched into hoops of contracting agony, and no painkillers dent the waves of misery or prevent them from smashing destructively upon the shores of my body and soul.

This endless typing does not help. I know that. The posture is constantly adding to my thoracic spine’s irritation, and inviting the demons of referred pain to come and play in amongst my ribs, down both breasts, in shoulders and arms.

And yet I am pointlessly, stupidly obsessed with trying to get the word out – God only knows why. I cannot seem to control myself, or be sensible, or look after this fragile body of mine. It’s as if, at a very deep level, I believe I do not matter, cannot truly make a difference in the world. It’s as if I fear I will disappear altogether if the voice that is my writing is not heard.

Why, then, do I fight so hard for a survival which I am far from sure is going to be worth the winning? Why don’t I just give in to the lure of a drug-induced fading from this life? Why don’t I use rope or knife, car or other weapon to ensure that my time on this earth is limited and controlled by me?

Why, when every day is excruciating (emotionally and physically), do I strive to find something to hope for? Why engage with others when there is no point?

Suicide is, I am sure, the ultimate act of selfish ‘Fuck You!’ ism. We are all brought up to believe that survival at any cost is what we should aim for – and that taking the train out of life’s station is only for the weak, the cowardly, the mad, the terminally self-absorbed.

That, even to look at a knife and consider drawing it across the delicate veins of wrist or throat condemns one to punishment in this world and Hell in the next…

But some days, when there is no relief to be had, when I wake up terrified and desolate, when I cannot focus for the pain and hope seems like a snook cocked by a cruel deity with no true sense of humour, some days when survival just seems too bloody hard to break a sweat for, yes, I, like many others, cast my mind onto the imagined relief of calling a halt, of saying, ‘Survival is not always the right answer to the unspoken question.’

I am sinking in black quick-sand today. Tomorrow, with luck, I will cope better, be less despairing. Tomorrow, I hope, the pain might be less, and the sheer number of emotional balls slammed at me from too many directions might be lessened in number.

Do not, however, despise me for articulating that which many affect to condemn out of hand. Do not hold it against me that, occasionally, I flirt with the idea of death when life as a partner in the dance turns away and leaves me, vulnerable and alone, a wall-flower in the ballroom of survival.


22 thoughts on “Survival

  1. I not only flirted with it, I kissed it. Twice. To some degree, I have been where you are. And survived.
    They (ie. NatGeo) say that for real quicksand, you’re supposed to keep moving to avoid sinking completely in it. So keep wiggling your legs, slowly and progressively, and in GOoD time, you’ll make your way out.
    One of my current fave songs right now might be a welcome listen for your ears. Ain’t No Man by The Avett Brothers. And by ‘man’ they mean anyone, not a man in a relationship. “I know it gets dark but there’s always a light”.
    Blessings … Marianne

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I found this list, under the category of “Adjectives describing an Alienora”. Seemed appropriate. Read often. Take it as your mantra. For you are all these things, and more.

    accepting, active, adorable, adventurous, affectionate, agreeable, alluring, amazing, ambitious, angelic, appreciated, appreciative, artistic, artsy, athletic, attentive, attractive, beautiful, beloved, bewitching, blessed, brave, breathtaking, bright, brilliant, bubbly, busty, buxom, calm, candid, captivating, careful, caring, charming, cheeky, cheerful, classy, clever, committed, compassionate, complex, confident, considerate, content, courageous, crafty, creative, cuddly, cultured, curious, curvy, cute, dainty, daring, darling, dazzling, dear, dedicated, delicate, delightful, dependable, determined, devoted, devout, disciplined, doting, down-to-earth, dramatic, dreaming, dreamy, dynamic, easy-going, elegant, emotional, empowered, enchanting, encouraging, energetic, engaging, enigmatic, entertaining, etherial, expressive, extraordinary, fabulous, fair, fashionable, fearless, feisty, female, feminine, fiery, fit, flawless, flirtatious, flirty, focused, forgiving, foxy, fragile, friendly, fun, fun-loving, funny, generous, gentle, genuine, giddy, gifted, giggly, girly, giving, glamorous, good-natured, gorgeous, graceful, grounded, happy, hard-working, healthy, heavenly, helpful, high-energy, hilarious, honest, hot, huggable, hypnotic, idolized, impassioned, impulsive, independent, innocent, innovative, inspirational, inspiring, intellectual, intelligent, intimate, intoxicating, intuitive, irreplaceable, joyful, kind, kind-hearted, kissable, knowing, knowledgeable, ladylike, laid-back, leggy, likable, lovable, loved, lovely, loving, loyal, luscious, magnetic, mesmerizing, mischievous, motivated, musical, mysterious, natural, nice, nurturing, observant, offbeat, open, open-minded, opinionated, organized, outgoing, passionate, patient, perceptive, perfect, persistent, personable, photogenic, playful, poetic, polite, popular, positive, powerful, pragmatic, precious, pretty, principled, private, proud, provocative, quick-witted, quiet, quirky, radiant, ravishing, rebellious, red hot, refined, remarkable, reserved, respectful, responsible, romantic, sacrificing, sassy, seductive, selective, self-confident, self-driven, selfless, sensical, sensitive, sensual, serious, sexual, sexy, sharp, shrewd, shy, skinny, smart, smiley, smiling, social, sophisticated, special, spirited, spontaneous, spunky, strong, strong-willed, successful, sultry, supple, sweet, sympathetic, talented, talkative, tasteful, tawny, tender-hearted, thankful, thorough, thoughtful, thriving, tough, trusting, trustworthy, unafraid, unconventional, understanding, unique, unpretentious, upbeat, valued, virtuous, voluptuous, vunerable, warm, warm-hearted, well-educated, well-mannered, well-read, willing, wily, wise, witty, womanly, wonderful, youthful.

    They appear to have omitted orangey… šŸ˜‰

    No matter how shitty, dark, and painful things get – never forget how wonderful the flowering will be… xxx

    Liked by 3 people

    1. alienorajt

      This has to be one of the loveliest, most touching and delightful comments I have ever had anywhere. Made me laugh and cry and feel really cared about. Thank you so much for bringing light into my darkness, dear friend, and for giving me hope. Hugs. xxxx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Beneath all the dark, Ali, there is a real Self that is much bigger, and greater than all of this. Divorce is horrible – I speak from personal experience – but there is greater freedom and creativity on the other side. The rest is just getting there…

    Chin up, dear one. One day at a time and sod the big picture! xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

      1. There have been many occasions over the past few years when ‘tiny steps’ were all I had. That’s when you realise how resilient the body is – when it, alone, carries the whole, warped and bent ‘self’ forward and give it chance to see another sunrise… ‘Here’s lookin’ at you, kid…’
        Chin up, we’re all around you – holding out our hands… xxxx

        Liked by 1 person

  4. If you are looking for some sign to stay alive, consider this your sign. Whether you know it or not, the world needs your talents and unique inner gifts. You have the opportunity to make some sort of positive difference in this world. If you were looking for a sign from God, the Universe, or an Angel to continue living, consider this your sign.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. alienorajt

      Bless you, Suze, for this timely intervention from the Higher. It is hard, at times, to see beyond the immediacy of pain and despair, to remember that my work is barely started. Thank you. xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  5. This morning, someone I know who also knows the depths of despair told me of a quote they had found that helped them… that suicide doesn’t put an end to pain, it just passes it along. I know there are moments when even that doesn’t seem enough and the pain feels too much.

    Just remember the strength it took to put all this in motion… your strength and resolution. To say ‘no more’ and draw a line beyond which you would not allow things to go. You will get through… and those who know and love you are waiting for you to know and love you too. xxx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. alienorajt

      Thank you, Sue: A timely reminder of a greater truth, and also a reminder that I have drawn a line (even though I feel, at times, as if it did not stick and wavers). xxx


        1. alienorajt

          Yes, I did, didn’t I? And that line-drawing is beginning to gather strength and spill over into other areas of my life as I learn that I have the right to say no, to stand up for myself, to object to cruel behaviour. One day, I will see that I had to fall along the way – often-times and painfully – but that the ability to pick myself up after each fall is just as important. xxx


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