Moths in the Piano


https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/nightmare/

With the awful tragedy unfolding in Nice, I almost didn’t post this – as my own semi-humorous fictional nightmare seemed trivial in comparison. But perhaps there is a need for laughter’s release today…

(To be sung/droned to the tune of ‘There’s a hole in my bucket’)

The piano tuner is visiting this morning to view my old joanna and investigate its somewhat honky-tonk sound – and its mountain of felt-noshing moths. I am sure all will go smoothly – but, for some reason, the anticipation has triggered a bastardized version of that old favourite ‘There’s a hole in my bucket’. 

steinhoven-128-upright-piano-BIG

There are moths in my piano,

Dear Tuner, Dear Tuner –

There are moths in my piano,

Dear Tuner, mega moths!

 

Then nuke them, you cretin!

Dear Player, Dear Player –

Then nuke then, you moron,

Dear player, nuke them!

 

But the felt is all buggered,

Dear Tuner, Dear Tuner –

But the felt is all buggered,

Dear Tuner, the felt!

 

So, treat it with poison,

Dear Player, Dear Player –

So treat it with poison,

Dear Player, treat it!

 

Now the dog’s having visions,

Dear Tuner, Dear Tuner –

Now the dog’s having visions,

Dear Tuner – Oh wow!

 

Press the keys hard, each octave,

Dear Player, Dear Player –

Press the keys hard, each octave,

Dear Player, press hard!

 

Now my middle C is muffled,

Dear Tuner, Dear Tuner –

Now my middle C is muffled,

And my top G stuck fast!

 

Brush the moths off the keyboard!

Dear Player, Dear Player –

Brush the moths off the keyboard;

They are lying twelve deep!

 

There’s a RAT in the inwards,

Dear Tuner, Dear Tuner –

There’s a rat in the inwards;

I can hear its claws click!

 

Stand back and don’t panic,

Dear Player, Dear Player –

Stand back and don’t panic…

And pass me my gun!

(Pause; full artillery-like sound effects, followed by a dull and resonant thud)

 

There’s a hole in my floorboards,

Dear Tuner, Dear Tuner –

There’s a hole in my floorboards,

And the piano has gone!

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28 thoughts on “Moths in the Piano

  1. Pingback: Moths in the Piano | Station Stories

  2. I can relate to this very funny poem! 😀 I’ve had both moths and rats in my piano in the past. Serves me right for not playing the poor thing enough. I’m off to a recital of Schubert and Beethoven tonight – hopefully it will inspire me to play more often.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I don’t think I have ever heard “There’s a hole in my bucket.” But I enjoyed the post.

    I was particularly amused by the artillery interlude, which maybe furthers the sad fact of being inured to weapons (compare the comment on the death post). Though here I recognise it as humourous effect only.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Big Smile. Accompanied on my Martin D28 and sort of picking D G for the first line and D G A7 D for the second. Add a little Harry Belofonte vibe and it’s all there (apart from the shotgun effect…). x

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You tube? Oh and I thought it was a site for use motorcycle inner tubes (which would undoubtedly explain the explicit nature of the vendors and the fact that the tubes when they arrive are way too small…). Anyway ran your lyrics past the Secret Sleepers ( a band which,according to the barmaid at Mikes local, are “better than the other band in the village”) and we agreed to put your words to a cacophonous three minutes of sonic mayhem (after I told them it was only three chords). If your old email is still active I’ll send you an MP3 version you can then add lyricist to your expanding portfolio!

        Liked by 1 person

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