Embarrassment at the Surgery? Not for me, no!

I tend, as you may have gathered, to be fairly blunt and forthright (or rude, as it is also known to those of a more delicate and squeamish disposition!) – and, as a result, explaining medical symptoms has never caused me much in the way of embarrassment.

Though I do generally ask to see a lady doctor for my, er, lady bits, I am certainly not one to beat about the bush or indulge in pointless, and time-consuming, euphemisms: This is, after all, a limited-time appointment, not a particularly tedious round of ‘Guess The Body Part!’

To give you an example (made-up at random and to illustrate the point): I would not be inching my timorous way into the doctor’s room and alluding, through a violent whole-body blush, to odd sensations in the bits below the belt; I’d be far more likely to say something like, ‘If my piles get any bigger, Doc, they’ll be indistinguishable from cantaloupes!! Not sure whether I need the help of a doctor or a Celebrity Cook, to be frank!’

Oddly enough, I rarely see the same doctor twice! Can’t imagine why! They probably draw straws – not to see me! One imagines the comment:

‘Oh God, does that mean I’ve got to see the vulgar and hypochondriacal old bag this time? Have a stiff Single Malt ready for me when she buggers off!’

Speculum up the Birth Canal? Not pleasant exactly – but not a source of shame either, my theory being that anyone wielding one has seen it all before anyway and, after ten thousands vadges, is unlikely to be scoring each one out of ten!

Baps out on the Mammogram Implement of Torture/Squashing Machine? Again, not a feeling I enjoy, masochism being foreign to my nature, but the actual thought of some other professional bod seeing my boobs doesn’t bother me. Mind you, since I was a nude model in my twenties (and thirties and early fifties!), showing my body doesn’t faze me at all.

So it is not shame or modesty or embarrassment that causes distress at these visits; it is the fear of my symptom having a serious outcome – a fear often made worse by chance encounters in the dreaded Waiting Room.

If you want lugubrious and unwholesome conversation, head straight for the average Medical Centre! Whatever you are in for, the other person will know someone who had it so badly that the bit concerned had to be lopped off prior to a long, lingering, ghastly demise (which will be relayed to you with the kind of funereal relish that makes you wish you’d stayed at home!).

This morning was no exception. Afflicted (or so I suspected) with a Manky Mammary/Battered Booby/Turgid Teat, I stupidly engaged the woman sitting next to me (who is, actually, a friend of sorts!) in light conversation.

I apprised her of my suspicion that my left pride-and-joy had an abscess. God, what a mistake that was! A harrowing tale of a sibling similarly affected and the plethora of biopsies, needles, antibiotics and poultices which followed had me gibbering into my palsied hand once she cleared off to be seen – and I very nearly turned tail and ran away.

Once in with the lovely lady doctor (who seems, bless her, to get the short straw more than most where I am concerned!), I launched straight in, after a few pleasantries, with, ‘Think I’ve got an abscess on one of my boobs!’

I was right! She had a quick gander and confirmed my suspicions. To my intense relief, there was no mention of lancets or gauze or stitches or poultices made of rancid bread/dead mice/eye of toad or any other arcane ingredients. Instead, I was handed a prescription for antibiotics and a recommendation to have salt baths. Well, as I wasn’t able to afford to go to Crete and swim in the Aegean Sea this year, I guess a salt bath or two (with some Cretan music in the background, and a small glass of raki on the edge of the tub) will have to do!

Relief Factor: 100%…

Embarrassment Factor: Nil!

You see, I do not think that bodies are embarrassing per se; but, by Jove, we have certainly made an industry out of creating an embarrassment factor where none truly exists, haven’t we? Details for another post, maybe…



11 thoughts on “Embarrassment at the Surgery? Not for me, no!

  1. Funny this should pop up again… I was looking for some advice… for a friend, you understand.

    The wife and I, rightly or wrongly, were left agape in complete astonished disbelief, when, if memory serves me right, around 6pm ‘tother night, WELL before the watershed I may add, a certain ungent, probably of excellent pedigree, and efficacy, and all, was hoisted up for the 7pm bedders to ogle, and inspect, slack jawed and wondrous.

    The resounding cry of, “Mummy. What is Vaginal dryness?” resulted in parents, all across the Nation, and made of lesser stuff than the average body dysmorphic chipmunk, spraying chunks of knee laden supper / tea / dinner, all over the Axminster that night, let me tell you!

    Anyway. I have it, on good authority, that one should not be hoiking random “only available online” ointments anywhere near a sensitive vag, dry or otherwise… Something to do with natural fauna? Flora? Algae blooms? …?


    I’ve begun, of late; my friend, obviously; has begun, of late, to suspect that his varied array of doctors, may actually enjoy the old anal inspection routine: pre-gloved they are these days…

    It’s only when they grab the sides and wrench it open, clamber inside and wander around in there, pith-helmeted and head torched, to inspect every nook and cranny that it gets a tad uncomfortable (he says). Their manky boots have caused all sorts of dry, itching, soreness. Do you think I; I mean, he; should try the aforementioned Vagi-Silk up the Khyber pass, or is that just going to cause all sorts of unwanted, disruptive slippages?

    He’d ask his doctor, but thinks the honourable GP may still be up there…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Laugh?! I nearly shattered the kitchen windows guffawing away like a seal being sick!!! What a totally splendid comment, almost a blog post in its own right. Thanks, my friend. I needed that. xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Being the son of a doctor, my parents taught us a lot about proper anatomical terms. I was laughing throughout the reading of this post.

    Even though I can’t relate to the problems involving the female parts of the body, I felt like I was there, and am glad that I didn’t suffer a vagal reaction after reading about the needles!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ah contributions to women’s health. Always thought I’d make a great mammogram operator, lots of general experience, keen and I don’t need paying just the satisfaction of a job well done… Very hands on that’s me….

    Liked by 1 person

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