Screwing…in the nails!

This post could be construed as a classic cheat! Why? Because it is one I prepared earlier – and has nothing remotely to do with cheats or cheating! Worse, it deals with that off-putting trio: Sex, Cookery and DIY. I should give up now, if I were you, and go back to ‘War and Peace’, ‘Readers’ Wives’ or whatever else you are using to while away the eternity that is a Sunday afternoon!

Has it ever occurred to you how close a linguistic connection there is between DIY, COOKERY and SEX?!

It seems as if it is all to do with – er, eptness (well, if you are inept, surely you can, in theory, become ept at some point!) and accuracy and appetite! And, for some ancient reason, now forgotten in time’s annals, men are supposed to excel at the hammering, chiselling, drilling and screwing side of things, while women toss, beat, whisk, saute, fricassee, roast and generally put loads of dead meat into the oven so that it stiffens and crisps up in order to become orally palatable!

We even call a full roast type meal by the same name as one of the many slang terms for penis-and-testicles (complete set thereof): Meat and Two Veg!

I think it is hilarious myself. But then I would, wouldn’t I, being a bit of a bawdy babe (if you stretch the term ‘babe’ to include those cantering towards the gates of sixty!)!

Think about it: Men are supposed to be a bit handy with a hammer, to ensure that the drill goes in first time and to the requisite depth (!), to screw long hard things into soft pliable surfaces – and to have a working knowledge of every B&Q within a twenty mile radius (in order to buy that little something for the weekend!).

Billy Bragg did a very funny song about DIY on Friday night – his basic contention being that no female partner should expect A’level ability in this subject just because of gender, and that asking an expert (usually a brother-in-law or similar) to screw, grout, hinge/unhinge, lay (floorboards, curtains etc) and generally be tool-rich and proficient makes sense!

Think about the womanly side of this too: Women are meant to use their hands to pummel dough, and then wait for it to rise in a warm place. They are demons when it comes to weighing things and knowing their exact dimensions. They take many a long and thick vegetable in their hands (carrots, parsnips, celery) – and, possibly in unconscious castration mode, reduce it to its component parts.

Yet, perhaps fortunately, we do not, as a species, tend to get the different categories mixed up too much (unless we are addicted to the double entendre the way I am!) – and do not, for example, say to our best-beloveds, ‘Right, just off to fondle a big parsnip, Dear!’ (even though, technically this is true), or, ‘See you later, Love, just going to do some hard screwing in the attic!’ (though, again, this could well be accurate in the pure semantic sense).

As for questions like, ‘Have you got the right tool for the job?’ we say it, in the DIY sense, with a straight face (unless we are like me!)…

But I think the metaphor goes further because isn’t it true that men feel obliged to be proficient at the drilling and screwing side of lust? That their tools have to be the right specification, setting, speed and length? Isn’t it also true that a woman who doesn’t have the wrist technique to beat up a part which rises hugely is seen as a bit of an also-ran, and that one who is unable to produce a tempting three-course erotic meal at the the drop of a corset is likely to be exchanged for one handier in The Kitchen of Sex?

Any old how, if you are under eighteen, stop reading this immediately: It’ll probably corrupt you and make it difficult to watch any man unblocking the toilet without thinking about u-bends, or, indeed, plungers, in a more specifically sexual sense!

If over eighteen, be assured/reassured that prowess in DIY does not tell you anything about prowess between the sheets; that a crap cook may be a veritable Fanny ‘There’s always room for another Trollop’ Hill in the sack – and, for men of a sensitive disposition, that the Little Woman winning Uber Cook on the strength of her dicing/chopping technique is not going to endanger your Manhood!





6 thoughts on “Screwing…in the nails!

    1. Thanks, Noah! This way of looking at things is, I know, an acquired taste and not for everyone. Since I was a little girl, I have had a rude sense of humour – though, ironically, I remained innocent in at least one sense until my late teens! xxx


  1. Oh no! Does this mean my godlike, almost preternatural, ability to cook is going to turn me gay? AM I GOING TO GET A TOAD IN MY HOLE?? NOOOOoooo! *sigh* I guess I’ll have to accept my fate, kumquat may….


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