This phase hurts…


imgres

I have no words of wisdom today. My world is painful and sad and I am not going to put a bright and cheerful gloss on the walls of true feelings.

My move, which has now been dragging on for four months and more, is in serious jeopardy. I am terrified and upset – and powerless to do anything to reverse the current negative trend.

I am also having to face an excruciating truth, one which I have avoided for months: For reasons which I have, in some cases, alluded to, and in others, not, I am having to make the awful decision to end certain relationships in my life, to cut several people out of the Alienora Present Incarnation tapestry and to move on, somehow, though my heart fills with grief and my eyes with a deluge of tears.

It is so sad – and seems so unfair – that, on top of divorce and moving, I am having to make such a heart-rending series of choices about friends and, in some cases, family members. Frankly, I could do without this additional stress and distress. But I cannot ignore the signs. I cannot keep this pointless hope that those lost during, and after, the divorce are just biding their time and will return eventually; nor can I continue to duck the agonising reality that those who were not able to stretch out a hand spontaneously during the past year do not have any intention of doing so now – and that those who have ignored my emails are suddenly going to write back. They aren’t.

I am, in my own way, an optimist – and do not give up on people, or situations, easily. I did everything I could to keep my marriage going. And, over the past year, I have tried my utmost to keep in touch with those with whom I have ties of kinship or a history of affection. But eventually I had to face something painfully obvious: The effort was coming from me. If I didn’t communicate, none of them would bother.

Oddly enough, I had a tarot card reading a couple of weeks ago – and the lady said to me that I was going to have to cut a fair few people out of my life before the process was finished.

I weep because it is so sad. I tremble because it is so hard to let go; to banish that tiny ‘Maybe’ of hope; to admit to myself that there is nothing more I can do to make these relationships work; that I have, in fact, exhausted myself on a series of fruitless quests.

The awful part of this whole culling process is that I never know who is going to pop up, and show the need for my scythe’s action, next. I keep thinking I have cleared the garden of all weeds and poisonous plants, and then another one rears its hideous head and I have to hack that one down to the ground as well.

I know this is an essential part of the next chapter, the next phase – and that, when all is said and done and axed, I will be left with my true and loving circle. I just wish that day, and moving day, would hurry up because, I confess, I am tired of being hurt and disappointed and frightened that it’ll all fall through; I am sick of having to face those I cannot trust in my life and strike an axe through connections which have, in the past, meant a great deal to me.

Denial would be so much easier. But I cannot go back to that room of unconsciousness and vain hope.

I just want to feel my feet firmly on new ground.

I want this long Dark Year of the Soul to be over.

As I say, I have no words of wisdom today.

Advertisements

25 thoughts on “This phase hurts…

  1. I am in the same place, realizing how much I have been betrayed beyond my abusive husband. My sister-in-law was happy to have me email her picture, but really want to be left out of the rest. Did she care that she would never see me again and might not see her nieces? And were my mother, brother, and sister? They knew what was happening but never said a helpful word. I won’t cut them out of my life because they aren’t in it in any real way, but I will create a better family. And so will you. Our community can make use stronger, but we need to choose better this time.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, I am so sorry to hear of your experiences, Nadine: Deeply hurtful; I can identify all to well. You are absolutely right: We do need to make better choices in the future – and, adding this for myself, wait a while before leaping (or limping) back on the horse of love. Couple of years should do it! xxx

      Like

  2. I have some words (but I do not claim wisdom). The place you actually end up in will be the one you need, it will be the best and looking back you will see this. Now you are in fog when it clears what a marvellous view you’ll have! …and folk who do not respond to your olive branches are not worth the wood! I’ll always email you back!! X

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Ted. There IS much wisdom in your words – and, if I do not move to the home I have set up, it will be because there is something else awaiting me. You are so right about olive branches and wood: Great image! Bless you, my friend. xxx

      Like

  3. Be strong. You will find allies where you least expect them. You do not need negativity in your life just now, and if you feel your ‘friends’ or family have let you down, this is their problem, not yours. I got tired of holding out the olive branch only to have it whipped across my back so I’ve pulled the root. I tried everything to make my previous relationship work, so when the inevitable came and I was better, I left. I have no regrets, no ‘what ifs’, and no ‘I could’ve tried’. I’m not proud of the way I left, but had no other choice. What is, is. As I said, their problem, not yours. Certain members of my family suck, and you know what? They are family in name only. My friends are more worthy, and I have a lot of those now. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for this strong and affirmative response. We are brought up to assume that blood kinship is immutable and cannot be challenged or criticised; we are brought up to bow down in adulation before the concept of Family without actually thinking it through logically; without thinking, as perhaps we all should, ‘If I met this in-law casually, or this blood kin socially, would we get on? Would there be any connection?’ xxx

      Like

    1. Thank you. I have found, in the past twenty four hours, that several people – both friends and those unknown to me personally – are also going through it one way or another at present. I just hope that some of my open posts help suffering others to feel less alone. xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh how I empathise with you on this subject, for this is exactly where I am and have been for a while. But knowing what you should do for the sake of your sanity, doesn’t help you to make those decisions. I keep waiting for a sign, some positive indication that I should walk away and everything will be better. But… and we all know what that means…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh Goddess, do I know what you mean or what? I spent years telling myself it was not the right time because A, B, C – and then, eventually, a very close friend pointed out that there will never be the perfect time and that I was harming myself, and other family members, by not acting. Hardest decision I have had to make in decades. Absolutely feel for you in your decision-making: I know, all too well, how agonising the whole thing is. xxx

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s