I have no words of wisdom today. My world is painful and sad and I am not going to put a bright and cheerful gloss on the walls of true feelings.
My move, which has now been dragging on for four months and more, is in serious jeopardy. I am terrified and upset – and powerless to do anything to reverse the current negative trend.
I am also having to face an excruciating truth, one which I have avoided for months: For reasons which I have, in some cases, alluded to, and in others, not, I am having to make the awful decision to end certain relationships in my life, to cut several people out of the Alienora Present Incarnation tapestry and to move on, somehow, though my heart fills with grief and my eyes with a deluge of tears.
It is so sad – and seems so unfair – that, on top of divorce and moving, I am having to make such a heart-rending series of choices about friends and, in some cases, family members. Frankly, I could do without this additional stress and distress. But I cannot ignore the signs. I cannot keep this pointless hope that those lost during, and after, the divorce are just biding their time and will return eventually; nor can I continue to duck the agonising reality that those who were not able to stretch out a hand spontaneously during the past year do not have any intention of doing so now – and that those who have ignored my emails are suddenly going to write back. They aren’t.
I am, in my own way, an optimist – and do not give up on people, or situations, easily. I did everything I could to keep my marriage going. And, over the past year, I have tried my utmost to keep in touch with those with whom I have ties of kinship or a history of affection. But eventually I had to face something painfully obvious: The effort was coming from me. If I didn’t communicate, none of them would bother.
Oddly enough, I had a tarot card reading a couple of weeks ago – and the lady said to me that I was going to have to cut a fair few people out of my life before the process was finished.
I weep because it is so sad. I tremble because it is so hard to let go; to banish that tiny ‘Maybe’ of hope; to admit to myself that there is nothing more I can do to make these relationships work; that I have, in fact, exhausted myself on a series of fruitless quests.
The awful part of this whole culling process is that I never know who is going to pop up, and show the need for my scythe’s action, next. I keep thinking I have cleared the garden of all weeds and poisonous plants, and then another one rears its hideous head and I have to hack that one down to the ground as well.
I know this is an essential part of the next chapter, the next phase – and that, when all is said and done and axed, I will be left with my true and loving circle. I just wish that day, and moving day, would hurry up because, I confess, I am tired of being hurt and disappointed and frightened that it’ll all fall through; I am sick of having to face those I cannot trust in my life and strike an axe through connections which have, in the past, meant a great deal to me.
Denial would be so much easier. But I cannot go back to that room of unconsciousness and vain hope.
I just want to feel my feet firmly on new ground.
I want this long Dark Year of the Soul to be over.
As I say, I have no words of wisdom today.