Annal Sex: Oh do learn to spell, Trolls!

Annal: A record of the events of one year…

Sex: Intercourse, bonking, fucking, firkydoodling, getting leg over…

Over my four years as a blogger, I have received some truly hilarious misspellings (and complete gibberish) courtesy of the Top Searches (think a kind of verbal Readers’ Wives) and its oft-trollish searchers.

Two years ago, the following classics of their kind found their way into ‘Come Laughing!‘: ‘Woden Horse Porn’ and ‘Rampant Granny Shaggers’…

Don’t even ask! I still have no idea what the hell they were looking for, or indeed at.

This morning, the Illiterate and Peculiar (which sounds like a brand of rural beer) have been at it again: One, illustrated in the title, is a simple misunderstanding – though it conjures up some priceless images; the other – well, put it this way: It may be Anglo-Saxon; it may not, but I, as a humble English graduate, have yet to translate it into any form of my native (or any other known) language.

So, here for your delectation, we have that old staple of the erotic arts: Annal Sex. You know the one I mean? The ultimate cure for Premature Ejaculation: The female of the duo, knowing that her man is liable to go off like an IED at the first sight of minge, recites the year’s events in a Shipping Forecast-like monotone, thus delaying the pleasure indefinitely. Excellent contraceptive device because, by the time she gets to – ooh, let’s say April – the male half of the equation has either lost interest or died of boredom.

The other one is, I suspect, a sex act so foul and lewd that even those with a PhD in Kama Sutric carryings-on might baulk at actually performing it – and could even turn two pages at once in an effort to escape it, thus rendering themselves hors de combat between the sheets for the foreseeable future. It seems, gulp, to involve cutlery and, double gulp, the old awl, Gods help us! A deadly combination, as you can readily imagine – and not one that should be tried even between consenting adults.

Here it is in all its lethal glory: Sowof Faork…

Ye gods, the depravity suggested by that beggars belief…

Now my little commentary upon these modern-day classics of their kind:

Annal Sex: Come now – surely you know that the long ‘a’ sound is not created between or before a doubled consonant. Plus, if you don’t know your arse from a year book, you have no business seeking relief from Persons of Negotiable Affection anyway!

Sowof Faork: Faork off!

Offerings like this really do plunge one into the possibility of a new and dreadful world, don’t they? But, hell’s bells, they also underline the crucial importance of paying attention during English lessons…and make a prurient old hag like me laugh out loud, with optional rolling-on-floor-in-mirth but a guffaw away.

Come back, Rampant Granny Shaggers: All is forgiven!