Exposure: Vulnerable!


https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/exposure/

I re-read a couple of my emotional abuse/gaslighting posts yesterday. They shocked me. The raw state of my nerves came back in a flash. But I felt I had to remind myself because I have come to recognise a weakness (one of many, I am well aware!) in my psychological make-up: I am inclined to be overly trusting, and I do not always recognise life’s emotional drains and vampires in time.

To put it another way, I am predisposed to receive more gaslighting – and will need to be very careful, especially over the next few months, in order to avoid a repeat of that which I have laboured so hard to escape: A toxic relationship.

I tend to get very over-excited and touched when people are nice to me, and want to be my friends. I do not always weigh new acquaintances up in the balance of cynicism and joy, erring on the latter time after time.

I am vulnerable, as a result, and always have been. And, launched into the beautiful sea of a new life, my little ship is afraid and cautious, yet open to ploughing on through the waves and experiencing everything lost and battened down in recent years.

It is a huge tumult and dilemma, and I do feel wind-and-water-tossed much of the time. Love has been my Achilles Heel time and time again – and I am not here referring just to male/female love; in fact, it would be damn sight easier if I were – since steps can be taken to avoid entanglements with blokes until I am good and ready. No, it is wider love which tends to be my downfall: Love of place and atmosphere and egregore and mystical places. In my own way, I am a hopeless romantic – though this does not always take the perhaps traditional Valentine Line. I romanticise situations – and can already see the potential blindness and danger of falling in love with my new start.

I want to be happy and free – but I also, after so long being silent and imprisoned, am scared of, of perhaps distrustful of, extremes of positivity: I fear that they will be wrenched from my grasp, or that I am viewing, searching for, finding, a series of false grails.

Like Philomel, in ancient Greek legend, my voice was stolen, my tongue metaphorically ripped out – and the fear now is that this renewed nightingale trill of delight will be over-enthusiastic, misplaced and will attract to it those who prey on songbirds and any other creatures suddenly released from captivity.

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When I am fully alive and tingling to a new start, I can give off the wrong vibrations; I can so easily hide the hurt and trembling part of my soul and appear more sorted, stronger and far more vibrant than, perhaps, I am.

Or is it the acute terror of my own renewed energy and fire? The understandable fear and worry that I will be consumed, burnt, in it…

Brakes artificially attached to a person’s character vehicle will cause a vertiginous, and terrifying, and exhilarating, plunge once they are removed. My own means of stopping, of halting the speedy descent are not yet strong enough to hold me back, and I tumble in genuine laughing happiness – but with an underlying tremble. The fear going down the Tor the other day was not just about Jumble pulling on the reins; it was about MY fear of losing control, being swept away, being fragile and afraid at the top of a steep slope, of falling to my death.

 

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17 thoughts on “Exposure: Vulnerable!

  1. I’m not sure about the merit of looking back, but it does show you how far you have travelled, and that can only be a good thing. I admire your courage so much, as you have far more than I. I’m just too ‘soft’, and unwilling to hurt people’s feelings, often at the expense of my own…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I know what you mean about the looking back conundrum. It’s a difficult one: On the one hand, I don’t wish to be stuck in the past; on the other, I don’t wish to skate over things upon denial’s thin ice! A bit of a bugger, really!!! xxx

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Fabulous post, I really understand what your saying. I trust too much, but also don’t want to live with suspicion all the time so have had to learn the hard way sometimes. I think I show my vulnerabilities without realising sometimes, I have to watch out for that. When I weigh it up I think I would rather take the risk of being trusting over constantly suspicious as I think it might be better for my health and piece of mind, but that’s me. That we recognise our weaknesses is a step in the right direction. Your vulnerability makes you a fantastic writer, you will draw people to you and some might not have the best intentions. I’m moving soon, not sure where yet, but I’m starting to feel that tingle of excitement a fresh start brings. Wishing you well and hoping you continue to enjoy your new start because you give me hope 😊

    Liked by 3 people

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