Lukewarm: The effects of the cold virus


‘It’s only a cold!’ people say irritably. ‘The common cold! Man up!’

Frankly, I am not feeling remotely like manning, womaning or even adolescenting up; in fact, my current response to life – in those precious seconds when I am not producing window-rattling sneezes, gravelly snorts and blowing my nose with all the ferocity of a rampant boar about to charge, spume gushing from my eyes like some kind of localised tsunami – is decidedly lukewarm. I am unenthusiastic, unmoved, tepid, so snot-ridden and feverous that I feel like weeping with misery or barking like an enraged seal; my usual fire and feist is battened down by the bloody virus, and the grey scene outside most certainly does not inspire my lukewarm state to progress up the ladder to fiery heat – nor, come to that, to slither down the serpentine coils to sinister froidure.

Poor old Jumble hasn’t had a proper walk since Friday because I am feeling so jelly-legged and weak that it’s all I can do to open the back door and usher the canine out into the garden!

This too, as the saying goes, shall pass – and I am sure it will; I am certain that, with time – and a patience I do not, at present, possess – I will leap out, all fizzing passion, decibel-rich laugh and wild enthusiasm for, and interest in, life once more.

Last night was virtually sleepless: Ricocheted from the deep and dreamless by regular nasal explosions, head and sinuses throbbing like a hive of pissed-off bees and eyes which seemed, in the knackered paranoia of 1.30 (2.30, 4.15…) am, to be aping Noah’s Flood, I had to grit my teeth in order to avoid lying on my back and having a tantrum a la Violet Elizabeth Bott, or hacking off a vestigial organ (a middle toe, for example) in order to displace the viral suffering!

So, forgive me if my usual courtesy is replaced by a touch of the screaming harridans, my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-fucked-off and my enthusiasm level is on a par with that produced were I to be asked to ingest fried moose penis.

If anyone tries to tell me to cheer up, be brave or stop whingeing, I may well be forced to breathe my germs upon said person (bacterial warfare) – and then weigh in with insensitive sanctimonious phrases when my victim succumbs to germ-frazzled lukewarmness!



33 thoughts on “Lukewarm: The effects of the cold virus

    1. Julie

      P.S: a vitamin D deficiency is one common factor to being susceptible to colds. You can buy vitamin D supplements in a pharmacy.
      Probiotics seem to work for some people too….

      Liked by 1 person

  1. There is nothing worse than a streaming cold, and yours sounds like one of the best! I mean worst… I always boil up some lemons, add some honey and drink a little all day. If that fails, I go to sleep! Take care of yourself…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Poor Ali. We are both suffering with you, and the person who gave us this bug is top of our shit list! Restless nights, snorting, farting, blowing, sneezing, sniffing, add reflux and having to sleep sitting up IF I can get to sleep in the first place. You have my full sympathy. Lemsip, cough mixture and paracetamol just aren’t doing it for me.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. David Greenway (Town Crier and Honorary Bard of Glastonbury) .......also weekday wizard.

    Do I detect that Ma’am is a little further under the weather? Clearly you have gone downhill since a visit from your cheery Town Crier. I must have given you some extra germs from my good lady, who is similarly afflicted. (Bet those microbes are all busy getting well acquainted – if not breeding like rabbits by now! Just think…. Not only did I bring you primroses but also gave your immune system an almighty boost ready for the next half term! Meanwhile, his eminence enjoys disgustingly good health whilst tending the sick. Busy planning lessons today ……. Statistical correlation, Ohm’s Law, the circulatory system, radioactivity…….oh and a nice heart dissection after half term to look forward to – guaranteed to send them off to the lav, puking away. Oh the joys!

    Get well soon! xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ooh, dissection! Always my favourite part of Biology lessons. In fact, at fourteen, I wanted above all else to be a doctor – problem was I had no ability when it came to Physics, Chemistry and Maths, though I was good at Biology!! Primroses shine beautifully upon my small front windowsill and cheer me whenever I look at them. So much appreciated. Poor you, having to plan lessons – I used to do anything and everything to avoid it!! See you soon! xxx


          1. A bit up and down here (like the proverbial lady of negotiable affection’s underwear) with snow one minute and delectable sun the next; but, having said that, the mysterious plants in my garden are shooting up all over the place, ready to burst forth in hues of spring like glory! xxx


          2. The exciting thing about here is that I’ve no idea what the previous owner might have planted, or what the birds might have dropped, so each day is like a small Christmas! xxx


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