Storm Doris Damage

Well, I must say I wasn’t fully prepared for the recent ferocity of weather – and have been somewhat peeved to find that one fence panel has feebly given up the ghost and three more, as mentioned yesterday, are not long for this world. Wind has howled and barked, like a sky full of rabid dogs, all ruddy night and the yawning gap ‘twixt the middle and right-hand fences at the back now could accommodate a large cat! The wood is so rotten that I cannot pull, push or curse the rapidly-disintegrating bits back together again!

Jumble has now got into Houdini Mode, inspired, I have no doubt, by the wily and determined Pippa. When the first panel went the way of all flesh, the dog was in like Flynn within seconds – and, when, last night, the rain-water barrel, as yet unattached and plugging the one tiny gap between me and my right-hand neighbour, went arse over tit in the rampaging wind, Jumble had squeezed himself through the hole and into a garden not his own before I could blink.

However, having initiated the Great Escape, he was then stymied – or buggered, as it is also known! – by a gate which stopped him from going any further, so he just wandered up and down the next door garden looking faintly disappointed and more than a bit discombobulated.

What is it with my animals?! Have they set up a kind of Competitive Escape Game or something? See which of the blighters can get furthest away from home before Own Goddess (that’s me) notices? Do they really want to go under a car (Jumble) or through a fox’s digestive system (Pippa)? Or are they both up for a bit of spring rutting? In Jumble’s case that’s going to be a massive let-down since he was de-bollocked at five months! Pippa? God knows!

Blocking the large gap left by the first domino – er, panel – was neither use nor ornament. Took me bloody ages too, wedging, from left to right, a chair, the recent Christmas tree and an upright wheelbarrow – but deterred the canine not a jot. Despite the wall, which I would have thought was beyond his reach, he sailed over with all the grace of a sack of coals and then proceeded to spend the next few minutes ingesting that which had been extruded from local cats’ bums days or weeks previously, the greedy little toe-rag! No wonder his breath is a Chemical Weapon in its own right – and probably ought to be fielded out to the wallahs at Porton Down.

I tell you, things have come to a pretty pass when your aged, and infirm, animal would rather go through the motions (as it were) than get stuck into the nutritious, well-balanced nuggets you provide for him. Admittedly, I wouldn’t touch them with a barge-pole, but then I don’t go a bundle on poo either!

The final little irony: My faecally-obsessed dog totally ignores the one area of this disgusting habit which would actually do me some good: The regular removal of the rabbit’s doings! So there’s me, up to my armpits in leporine turds – and will Jumble oblige by hoovering them up? Will he heck as like?!

I may have to get a goat!

And four new fence panels/posts!

Hell’s teeth!


10 thoughts on “Storm Doris Damage

  1. Julie

    Beware: there’s nothing on earth more fun -for a goat- than jumping over a fence…

    As for your turd connoisseur, I suggest a holiday in the sewers, an all inclusive treat on a eat-as-much-as-you-want basis. Paradise for Pooches with an exotic food taste… Or just exile him to India: purdah in poochland, but make the most of the cheap flights on offer to treat yourself too, you know, a bit of sex plenty of sun and the lovely sea… La La Land. Because, let’s face it, you deserve a massive treat: you are not just a simple Goddess, you are f***g Saint too!!
    God, just reading about your mutt’s menu makes me feel sick…:-(.
    You should put a warning sign ahead of your descriptions regarding Jumble’s exotic tastes! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Jolly good scheme, Julie: He’d think he’d died and gone to Doggy Heaven! Yes, I should put a health warning on many of my posts, I suspect, as in, ‘Do not read before the Watershed – and have a bidet of Laphroaig handy just in case of faintness/sickness!’ Ta! xxx


    1. Sorry to hear about potential gruelling week. I sympathise. Humour is such a great antidote, isn’t it? I think that is why two of my books are humorous, and I try and infuse a bit of humour into posts regularly! xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. It has puffed a little hasn’t it? My home made wind chimes have both benifeted and suffered. Their wild music lost its low end during the storm as the baritone chime freed from its hook lifted into the air in free flight only to crash to the waiting earth. Ah, the 30cm pipe is a little dented at the tip and the others have dings spoiling their tubular perfection. Still some time at the bench and applied solder will restate them to musical magnificence… such is the powerful nature of moving air…

    Liked by 1 person

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