I have experienced many a qualm as a blog-writer. It is, I think, inevitable when one is writing controversial articles, the way I tend to. It is also an intrinsic part of who I am: I worry about my own conduct, even when there is no need.
A great deal depends upon the subject matter. I have written previously about my tendency to delete certain blog posts. In all cases, they were ones I had chilling qualms about, and did not feel safe sharing with the general public.
The ones I felt the most qualms about were those relating to very personal aspects of my life: My father’s death, nude modelling, the sexual assault – and, of course, the divorce and my reasons for activating it. In fact, I am going to share something very telling: I started this post six hours ago and, when I got to this paragraph, got so anxious (Qualms Multiplied, you might say) that I had a proper panic attack and had to leave the laptop alone for the rest of the afternoon and early evening.
Why do such things cause me qualms, even panic, though? I have not lied about any of the above – though I am aware that there are people out in the world, albeit a small minority, who believe that much of what I write is made up, filtered through a damaged mind or delusional.
But it isn’t. I wish in many ways that it were. It would be far easier to have fictionalised my own life in order to satisfy some Drama Queen need to be centre of attention. But to do this would cause me more qualms than I could cope with, frankly!
But setting my strong physical reaction aside for one moment, I think qualms are the stirrings of our conscience – and are, however difficult to face up to, a sign of our humanity and ability to think outside our own needs. They are also a warning sign. One of many, I hasten to add. They can give us that little prickle which foreshadows danger. They are part of the continuum which moves through bad vibrations and into the whole realm of psychic appearances. Those who don’t ever experience qualms themselves may, actually, be missing out on an important human tool.
For some people, however – and I am one of them – there is a very thin, almost invisible, line between our own internal qualms and the controlling techniques used by others. In other words, we are never sure whether the unease comes from our own good sense or layers of mind games used skillfully upon us for a very long time.
Most of my qualmed-out posts have been about the same thing. Says it all really. Those qualms have been so powerful a deterrent that the truth, in these very specific cases, has been fictionalised, with the surviving posts spread thin amongst the huge variety of different topics I cover.
I very nearly deleted this one. It is not my best by any manner of means. But it holds, within its somewhat rough shell, a pearl of truth.
This is scaring me. But I write it anyway.