https://dailypost.wordpress.com/discover-challenges/radical-authenticity/
Primal rage and pain today. I cannot give the story in full, or even part, because it is a part of my life which I have kept hidden from the blog. For good reason.
Suffice it to say that my body warned me, way back on Saturday, that a storm was brewing; that vibrations I was trying to argue into harmlessness were, in fact, the bruised clouds of a coming cyclone. I KNEW, but I did not want to face that knowledge because it was too damned painful.
Saturday, quite suddenly – and after months of blessèd relief on this front – my gullet went into a horrible prolonged spasm. Agonising, it was, and it seemed to go on forever. I was left shaking and upset.
The same happened yesterday. Not as bad this time, but still both painful and very scary. I had to tell myself that the Endoscopy I had fifteen months ago showed nothing serious; that anything sinister would have been picked up at that point; that my most raw emotions have a long history of coming out as somatic pain.
This morning, the winds of unutterable distress hit hard, battering me into a weeping heap in the corner. But the tears were as much fury as unhappiness. I wanted to shriek and scream and hit out and rend my own garments (and those of others). I, who never say these three words, wanted to yell, ‘It’s NOT fair…’ so loud that windows shattered. I wanted, for just a few seconds, to take a razor to my own wrists just to watch the blood spurt and get some relief from the awful pressure mounting in my head. I would never do it in reality. But the inner image, like all such things, comes up from time to time.
I have every right to be incandescent. But that right is being denied. Circumvented, plastered over, perhaps I should say. By other people. By me. I deny myself the healing action of howling and growling, of biting and scratching, of showing sharp teeth and claws, of being aggressive, of taking much flesh and no prisoners. I deny the truth by making endless asinine excuses for other people’s behaviour, instead of setting my boundaries deep in the sand and screeching, ‘How DARE you?’
I keep toxic people way past their sell-by-date because I WILL NOT get angry with them and tell them where they get off. And so those who are not genuine friends walk all over me, disrespect me and assume I will put up with any, and all, crap because I am so ‘nice’…
Well, fuck nice, is all I can say! Who the bloody hell wants to go down in history as nice? How tedious.
I am furiously, ragingly angry – and I have every sodding right to be so. And, no, I will NOT calm down just so that some other bugger feels better.
Like a doormat, all my life I have said, ‘Oh, I don’t mind! It’s quite all-right! You are far more important than I! Please crunch all over me in your hobnailed boots! I probably deserve it anyway! Jump harder! Break my bones!’
No, no, no, no, NOooooooo…
A limit has been reached. The ‘too-much’ line has been insensitively broached. I am not suicidal. If I were, I would not be writing this. I would take myself off quietly and discontinue this life. But I am healthily apoplectic! About fucking time too…
Go for it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I shall…
LikeLiked by 1 person
I love your words.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Excellent! Not the pain but the ability to rage when required. Important. Never accept anything you don’t want. Personally I like to turn cold, better than shouting. Be good, in what ever form that takes!!! 😡
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Ted. My problem has been, in part, huge insecurity leading to accepting exactly what I don’t want. Now, I need to hold out for what I actually need and deserve. xxx
LikeLike
Anger isn’t always a negative emotion. Hugs, Ali xxx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Sue. You are so right. One day, I will feel free to express my anger openly. xxx
LikeLike
xxx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Brilliant! Fantastic post indeed!
Look after yourself, put yourself first.
But I relate to your image of letting the blood spill in order to get some relief…
But if the world is indeed an interconnected one, we must acknowledge that those who have contributed to our misery and despair are the necessary painful surgical tools towards a deeper understanding of ourselves and the world… Although it is tough when life just seems purely and utterly UNFAIR…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, at the higher level self, this is, of course, true – and we tend to choose people who will teach us important lessons, no matter how painful. Bloody difficult in everyday life, however! xxx
LikeLike
Blogging is a good outlet for emotions. Hoping things look up for the better soon.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you very much. So do I. xxx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Brilliant, I’m sorry for how you are feeling but channeling it through your writing makes for a fantastic post. Hoping things improve for you x
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you very much. I guess my forty-four year diary-writing habit has fostered a certain emotional rawness and honesty which has carried over onto the blog. xxx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Look forward to reading more 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person